Emotional resilience : simple truths for dealing with the unfinished business of your past by Viscott David S. 1938-

Author:Viscott, David S., 1938- [Viscott, David S., 1938-]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Coping with personal problems, Self-Help, Interpersonal Relations, Psychology, Self-defeating behavior, Personal Growth - Self-Esteem, Psychology & Psychiatry / Interpersonal Relations, General, Attitude (Psychology), Attitude change, Adaptation, Psychological, Attitude
Publisher: New York : Crown Trade Paperbacks
Published: 1996-06-16T19:00:00+00:00

Although the task of setting denial aside and facing the world as it is can seem frightening at times, almost every child manages to do it pretty well. The most important role of a parent is to provide a consistent source of love that the child can rely on as a guide as he makes his transition from dependence to independence.

Children are highly adaptable and are able to gather their experiences of being cared for by several different family members and assemble them into a mosaic of support, creating a general memory of having been loved. This ability to selectively cull the good from the child's mixed experience can compensate for terrible deprivations and allow the child to carry on as if he had a happy childhood.

On the other hand, when there are insufficient sources of love and the child is unsupported, he can compile evidence and prove he had a sad, painful childhood while other family members may be entirely oblivious to his struggle and think of the family as happy. This is especially true when the child seems different and, for example, goes against the emotional current of the family by saying what is on his mind when everyone else is pledged to silence.

Your view of life is also a gathering of selected experiences. Coping allows old hurts to fade into the background and happy memories to stand out. You learn the lessons from your pain and take courage from the good. It follows that when your unresolved pain is stored in Emotional Debt, your life seems sad, and hurtful experiences seem to overshadow the good. So in some way your view of your life as happy is a creation you reinforce by letting go of your hurt. You need the healing perspective to put all the parts in their proper place. That perspective can only come when denial is lifted.

As a child begins to develop motor and language skills, his dependence upon denial as his only line of defense changes. As soon as a child begins to assume control over his body, he also begins to venture out into reality where denial does not serve him as well as it did when he was totally protected. He begins to express himself. Sometimes he acts with annoying defiance, sometimes with blind curiosity that leads him into danger and places him at odds with those who love him. He is driven to imitate the actions of those he loves. He wants to become his own provider, to take without asking and get what he wants when he wants it.

The seeds for conflict have been sewn.

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